


Guns, Know How, and Native Intelligence.

by HYPERFocused



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Crack, Gen, Humor, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-21 15:12:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1554815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HYPERFocused/pseuds/HYPERFocused
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only drinking the native concoction could steer our gang so very, <i>very</i> <b>wrong.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	Guns, Know How, and Native Intelligence.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:written 9/26/2006 (for a challenge I've since forgotten) hyperfocused will be blamed for [](http://infinimato.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://infinimato.livejournal.com/)**infinimato** 's request -- teamfic where aliens make them act severely OOC. must include Lorne. There's probably a longer, better fic in there somewhere, but I've run out of time and brain cells.

Colonel Sheppard, Dr Weir, Dr McKay, Teyla, Ronon and Major Lorne had all been on a routine mission, hoping to bond with a new trading partner. They'd broken bread together, as well as sharing yet another supposedly safe native herbal drink.

But things had quickly gone wrong. No sooner had they raised the ceremonial toast to "Friendship, Connection, and Trade" that the Wraith dart entered the planet's airspace.

The natives' arrows of course did nothing, and one of them hit Rodney in the leg. It barely slowed him down as he ushered everyone back to the puddlejumper, making sure the children who had been present were all okay.

When they got back to Atlantis and Dr Beckett examined them all, he was relieved to find none of their injuries were life threatening. Still, something was off.

He tried to get to the bottom of it. "It's just that, you've all been behaving rather -- oddly. I'm afraid I'm going to have to examine the lot of you in greater depth You'll have to spend the night, I'm afraid."

"Thank goodness for that!" Colonel Sheppard said. "As you can see I've got a terrible wound." He held up his hand, where Carson could see the tiniest red mark. "I was practically eviscerated."

"Oh, suck it up, John. It's hardly even noticeable. But since you're being such a big baby, here." Rodney yanked the arrow out of his own leg."Now they can get to you sooner."

Carson cringed. "That was hardly necessary, Rodney. Leave the doctoring to the professionals."

"All Ronon did was -- wait, what was it you did?" Rodney harrumphed as Carson bandaged his leg.

"I simply pointed out that Colonel Sheppard was using his salad fork to eat his dessert. Given how important impeccable manners are to the people of KL9K67, I thought it best to curb any errors."

"Right. See, he was just being diplomatic." Rodney confirmed.

"Screw diplomacy. Our motherfucking guns are bigger than their damn arrows." Elizabeth piped up.

"Eww, guns are _gross_." Major Lorne said, piping up from his hospital bed, where he had been resting ever since he'd been hit by the Wraith stunner as they exited the planet.

Carson was surprised to see he had taken some surgical thread and turned his blue hospital gown into a kicky pleated skirt. He was using a pair of tongue depressors and a metal bed-pan to tap out a rhythm.

"By the way, I want you to call me Major _ette_ Lorna, now."

Wounds dressed, and initial bloodwork showing their changes would be temporary, one by one the away team succumbed to sleep. Or possibly they just passed out. Carson didn't much care. He just hoped they'd be back to their normal -- for Atlantis -- selves soon. It took several belts of the contraband hootch Radek and crew had made with the "still-no-one-was-supposed-to-know-about (but everyone did)" before Carson could shake the image of Lorne's hairy legs in his makeshift skirt out of his mind.  



End file.
